Friday, December 23, 2011

Yinzers New Years Resolutions

Eat more Pierogies!

When I first started writing this post, I was coming up with resolutions to many a Yinzer’s faux pas.  However, I quickly realized that a true yinzer would never abandon his / her true love for the city by discarding these locally accepted transgressions.  Therefore, this list is aimed at fully embracing the yinzer culture, and consequently, becoming a ‘true’ Pittsburgher.
1.   In Pittsburgh, it is absolutely socially acceptable to wear your 1996 XXL Bettis Jersey to a fancy dinner down the shore.  This is especially true if it is mid-May, and it is only halfway through the football offseason.  However, a true Yinzer needs to not only wear his / her Earl “the Hitman” Holmes to more social outings, it must also start to be considered as a part of formal wear.  Proudly wear that Woodson jersey to church, and keep it on for that Sunday dinner at some fancy restaurant.   That James Harrison jersey needs to be worn 7 days a week, social norms need not apply.
2.  Become more familiar with the local dialect.  Any time you ask a question, always cut off the first word.  Remember this simple rule by a familiar example:  ‘Are you going to eat all of that?’ becomes ‘You gonna eat all that?’  It’s really that easy!
3.  Sweatpants, sweatpants, sweatpants. Sweatpants are easily the pant of choice among the yinzers.  This is not only because they are extremely fashionable, but also because of the elastic waist line that comes in handy for Stiller tailgates.  Spill some Iron on them or need to use them to wipe ham-barbeque sauce off of your fingers so you can crack open another ice-cold Iron?  Not a problem as sweatpants can be thrown in the laundry with the rest of your Steelers jerseys, and most of the stains will come out. 
Similar adaptation of the sweatpant must be followed in accordance to the Stiller jersey.  Formal wear is sweatpants time, and remember they always look great with year-old reebok hi-tops.  (The one with the Velcro band up top, of course).
4.  Drink more local beer.  It may be impossible for a yinzer to consume more beer by volume, as any hour of the day is appropriate beer time.  This is especially true Monday morning when you’re all hung-over from the Steelers game; an ice-cold Iron kicks those blues right outta there.
However, with the advent of popularity of craft beer, a resurgence in local brewing has begun.  Of course Irons are always the staple, as they are the cheapest and most readily available.  Try some East End brews or some Duquesne pilsner.  And to the yinzer delight, they will get you drunk quicker as they have more Alcohol per volume.
5.  Continue to complain loudly and at inappropriate times about anything in general.  This includes local politicians: ‘You know that Ravenstahl is a jag,’ to traffic: “You jag you just cut me off!’ to work: ‘My jag of a boss won’t let me take Mondays off no more.” 
It is extremely important for every yinzer to voice his / her displeasure with something during any social situation, even if it has nothing to do with the topic at hand.  Just because some jagoff is talking about his recent divorce and their 5 kids doesn’t mean that it’s not the right time to question aloud ‘Why on Earth is that idiot Tomlin not runnin’ the ball more?’ 
6.  Eat more, more often.  Make sure to include plenty of Primanti’s and pierogies, as they are the foundation of a proper Yinzer diet.  Don’t worry about diabetes, hypertension, and obesity, as ‘some doctor will probably come up with some new medicine soon that will take care of that, anyways.’
7.  Grow a mustache.  If you don’t already have one, what are you waiting for?  Even Bylsma had one earlier this year, for chrissakes!  Mustaches don’t only help out in picking up hot babes, they also make a person look more distinguished and presentable.  Whether you are a janitor, high school football coach or local entrepreneur, a mustache makes anybody look more educated and handsome.  People will respect you more, and you will have more confidence.
8.  Disobey simple traffic laws.  Making the Pittsburgh left is a part of our local culture, and besides you don’t want to sit there like a jag waiting for all the cars to pass through the intersection; you’ll spend your whole life in traffic!  Remember, you are more important than the other person facing you in the intersection and you are definitely busier, so you deserve to make that left before he goes straight.  You gotta pick up your kids from grammas and stop by the distributor all before the game starts, so there is no time to lose. 
9.  Slow down before entering the Squirrel Hill tunnels.  Why wouldn’t you?  You don’t wanna run into the tunnel walls, that’ll start a pile-up!  Once you are safely inside the tunnels, then it is time to police both lanes and make sure no one crosses the center line.  If that occurs, make sure to honk and turn on your brights, then give him the finger.  This will discourage them from doing this again in the future.
10.  Go to Pirates games when they have Zambelli fireworks.  Just because the team sucks doesn’t mean you gotta miss out on the best firework show on Earth!  Like insects towards light, a Yinzer is always attracted to fireworks.  No other city in the world is as lucky as Pittsburgh to have Zambelli firework shows, so make sure to embrace it. 
This is just a short list of resolutions yinzers must make in order to have continued success.  Don’t forget to bring your family to ride the incline, as that is also a Pittsburgh highlight.  But if those kids get too loud on the car ride over, make sure to threaten them by telling them you are going to turn the car right around and go home. 
Anyways, enjoy the New Year, and go Stillers!  They better win the Super Bowl, or that Roethlisberger is really a bum. 

1 comment:

  1. RKorn said:

    Great post!

    Additional resolutions:
    Call talk shows and complain about the Steelers needing to use a fullback, Bruce Arians play calling, Pitt not hiring Tom Bradley or a WPIAL guy to coach the football team, and Big Ben not being considered a top 3 QB by ESPN "experts"

    Csn''t forget that it is now acceptable to wear Steeler jerseys to church, especially of a player who had legal problems such as domestic or sexual assault