Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Father's Day to-do list for the first year father, or, where did this porn come from

Today is a very special day for me. It is my very first Father's Day that I am an honoree. I didn't realize that Father's Day would mean so much to me until the big day started approaching. Being a new father pretty much means that you have been moved to the lowest priority level in determining what a given day is going to be like. Whatever Mom and baby want pretty much determines the direction of your day. But not on Father's Day. Father's Day is the one day of the year set aside specifically so that you can decide what you want to do. So, that said, here's my very own Father's Day to-do list:

  • "Eggs and bacon please": check
  • Some time alone with the Sunday paper and coffee: check
  • Pirates, U.S. soccer and the final round of the U.S. Open all on TV: check
  • Buy myself a case of fancy beer: check
  • Listen to rock music all day long: check
  • Grill a delicious piece of meat and some veggies: check
  • Season finales of Games of Thrones and The Killing on tonight: check
  • Take a hike in the woods with family and dog: check
  • Find porno!:

Big check!

That's right. Late this morning on my hike in South Park, I came across the porno above in a pavilion garbage can. And, now that I'm sitting at home with my games on tv and a beer in my hand, I need to figure out how the above porno ended up in the garbage can at the West Virginia pavilion in South Park. I'm going to posit a few of my theories in the comments. I invite everyone else to do the same.


  1. My first theory is a tale of competition for love between two brothers. The younger brother falls in love with a beautiful woman, but the older brother also has eyes for her and is extremely jealous. Despite all her beauty, the girl is flat-chested. So, in order to try to break them up, the older brother plants the porn, from the "Big Tit Series," in the younger brother's room so that the girl will find it, feel jealousy and disgust towards the younger brother and break them up. The plot works and she leaves him. Heartbroken, the younger brother kills himself. The older brother, now equally emotionally distraught, goes to their old high school pot-smoking hangout, the West Virginia pavilion in South Park, to smoke a memorial joint, reflect on the porn purchase that resulted in his brother's death and finally throw it away before walking off into the woods, never to be heard from again.

  2. Pills said...

    Happy Father's Day! Well, I am going to stick with the Father's Day theme here and say that the porn may have come from a similar "Father's Day To-Do Checklist." I can imagine a guy with a mullet, tank-top, a Pittsburgh mustache, and some much needed time alone. This was not a spur of the moment as the father in question clearly made it an eventful morning first stopping at "Danny's" for a foot long sub (ha-ha) and a bottle of beer. Stopping at the West Virginia pavilion only completed this man's desire for a Father's Day gift that only few would receive.

  3. Theory #2: A shy man who has problems pleasing women goes into an asian shop, kind of like in Gremlins, to try to find an answer. The proprietor gives him some ancient, mystical porno DVDs with the advice, "just watch these, and you'll know everything you've ever needed to know about pleasing a woman. But beware, the porno is cursed and may be more than you bargained for." Undeterred, the man takes the DVDs, which worked, and the man became a great lover. But, as an unfortunate side effect, he became a sex addict, who later turned to crystal meth to dull his insatiable drive to find more sex. This new drug habit eventually led him to lose his job, all his money, his connection with his family, etc. Eventually, he decided the DVDs were cursed, so he drove across the country, from Idaho, where he was from, to leave the cursed DVDs in a garbage can in a park near Pittsburgh, where the DVDs wait to be found and claim their next victim.

    P.S. - I could tell the DVDs were cursed, so I left them in the can.

  4. Theory #3: Whoever bought these DVDs at the ridiculous price of 2 for $60 just discovered that there is free porn on the internet, so he decided to leave them in South Park, where maybe a high school kid who doesn't want to use his parents computer to access porn, can find them.

  5. Theory #4: The high school-aged owner of the porn has been feeling the heat at home as his mom has come perilously close to discovering it too many times. Rather than put it into the garbage can at home, where it still won't be safely gone until garbage day, he drives to South Park to leave it anonymously in a public trash can.

  6. By the way, I did, in fact, leave the pornos exactly as you see them above. If anyone reading this is for some reason without porn in their life, you can probably still find them. Again, that's the West Virginia pavilion in South Park. Happy hunting! I'm looking at you, Coso.

  7. R Korn said....

    I can see it all now, a man (Donnie) with a mullet, tank-top, jean shorts, high tops, and a mustache, rolls up to the pavilion in his '92 Chevy Beretta all hot and bothered. Ronnie has the stash in his glove compartment for times like these. After eating a delicious Danny's hoagie, he gets things going in the pavilion. Then, unexpectedly, a young family comes walking down the trail. Frightened, he runs to the garbage can and dumps the porn before being seen. He then jumps in the Beretta, lights up a cig and cruises away down Corrigan drive blasting some Deep Purple. Donnie is relieved, but he lost his stash. The question is, does Donnie go back for the stash?, does he have more at home? Or does he decide to up his addiction cold turkey?

    What is Donnie to do when his old ladyis giving him hell about housework?

  8. It is sad that family was pushed so far down on the list of priorities for celebrating Father's Day.

  9. Hey anonymous ^, if I wanted a woman's opinion on Father's Day, I would have asked my wife. But, I wanted to enjoy myself, so I didn't. My day, my rules.

    But anyway, so where do you think the porn came from?

  10. What makes me sad is the state of our educational system, which has left our population generally devoid of contextual reading skills.

  11. R Korn said...

    Agreed, if the author wanted to write a column extolling the virtues of family and fatherhood he would have done so. Finding porn in a trash can in good wholesome South Park on father's day is what we are interested in reading

  12. A married man gets caught by his wife throwing away porn in a South Park trash can, so he plays it off like he just found it there. To further bolster his story, he takes a picture and posts it on his blog, soliciting "theories" as to where the mysterious porn could have come from.

  13. If we could rec commments on this site, i would give 100,000 recs to the coso reference and 1,000,000,000,000 bazillion recs for derKaiser.

    In all honesty, who hasn't at some point in their high school/college years dumped incriminating content into a South Park trash can? If you say you never have, you're only lying to yourself. . .